Dear friend,
You wanted your friend to stop canceling on you twenty minutes before you were supposed to meet. You said "no worries!" and rescheduled anyway.
You wanted an extra day on the deadline. You stayed up until 2 a.m. instead.
You wanted your sister to stop commenting on what's on your plate at Thanksgiving. You laughed it off and said nothing.
You’re not being a coward for not speaking up, even though it may feel that way.
After a decade of coaching women through exactly this pattern, I've found it usually traces back to one of three roles you learned to play a long time ago.
The Good Girl doesn't ask because asking might make her seem difficult, and difficult women don't get chosen.
The Peacekeeper doesn't ask because keeping everyone comfortable feels like her job, even when the discomfort is hers to carry.
The Realist doesn't ask because she's already decided the answer will be no, so why bother finding out.
Maybe you see yourself in one of these. Maybe you see yourself in two.
But you can’t stop playing a role you don’t even notice you’re performing.
That’s why awareness is the most important first step in learning how to ask for what you want and tell the truth about how you feel.
This week, notice which one shows up for you. The next time you catch yourself deciding not to ask for something, pause. Name which archetype just made that decision on your behalf.
How to go deeper this week:
I'm teaching a free workshop on September 9 at 12pm ET called One Big Ask. I'll show you exactly why your brain talks you out of asking for what you want – and I'll walk you through a live exercise to help you land on the one ask that could actually change your life.
Registration just opened.
Mindset win of the week:
Sunny shared how thought work changed the way she shows up at work, boundaries and all.
"... I just want to say that this stuff really works.
I just started a job in an industry I used to work in, but stopped before thought work. I used to be SOOO stressed out and anxious and overwhelmed in this industry, and completely burned myself out. Now I'm calmly setting boundaries, organizing tasks, offering encouragement to coworkers, saying "no," and thinking thoughts that are just MAGICAL compared to how I used to exist in this space.
It's surreal. I literally feel like I'm going through life with a different software system. My brain is noticeably different."
What I’m loving this week:
A few years ago I stopped reading books by men. It wasn't a formal stance at first – it just kind of evolved. After years of classical education that emphasized dead white men over everyone else, I found, by my mid-40s, that I wasn't that interested in fiction by or about men.
But I recently read a worthy exception. John of John, by Douglas Stuart, grabbed me on the first page and kept me hooked. A sweet, powerful, poignant novel about a very specific place and community that's nevertheless universal in its themes of family, love, and the handcuffs we put on ourselves. Highly recommend.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 523: Coaching Hotline: How Can I Stop My Constant Inner Critic & Monologue
Do you have an inner monologue that is constantly keeping score, reminding you what you accomplished, and trying to prove that you’re doing enough? This week, I answer a Coaching Hotline question from a listener who has an inner monologue that tracks everything she accomplishes as a way to prove her worth. You’ll hear why trying to force your brain to be quiet usually backfires, and what to do instead when you catch yourself in these thought loops.
UFYB 524: You Don't Need to Heal; You Need to Admit What's True – with Dr. Marisa Franco
I sat down with my guest Dr. Marisa Franco to talk about why we reject the love we actually want – and how self-worth works like a theory of self that filters everything we let in. We get into memory reconsolidation, why "secure attachment" became a status symbol, and why the most secure people are the ones who can admit when they're not.
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That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
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