Dear friend,
"There's no point in asking for it if I probably won't get it."
That’s what a coaching client said to me the other day.
We were talking about her desire to expand her role at work – something she’s wanted for a long time.
But her brain had a million reasons it wouldn’t work out. She didn’t look as polished as the other women on that team. She’d once said something awkward to her boss’s boss at a holiday party, and she was sure he thought she couldn’t be trusted around clients. There wasn’t a role open right now that she could apply for even if she wanted to.
I hear some version of this from almost every woman I coach. About a raise, a title change, commitment in a relationship, time away from their kids, or a change in how the household runs.
It doesn't matter what the ask is – it seems to be a universal truth held by women that if they can’t be reasonably sure they will get something, there’s no point in asking for it.
After all, hearing no SUCKS. And if you’re probably going to hear no, why even bother.
But I think that’s entirely backwards.
First of all, your brain is usually not an accurate predictor of what's possible (I mean, have you met your brain?)
But more importantly, the purpose of asking for what you want is to be the person who asks. Whether or not you get it.
There is a dignity to asking for what you want either way. Every time you speak up, you reinforce to yourself that you matter. That you are someone who tells the truth about what she wants – someone who keeps asking, keeps showing up, keeps treating herself like she's worth it.
That person gets more of what she wants over time. And she feels like the main character of her own life.
This week, pay attention to the moment right before you talk yourself out of asking for something you want (big or small).
What is your brain telling you that makes staying silent feel safer than speaking up? See if you can challenge those thoughts.
And if you want to take it a step further, join me for the How to Ask for What You Want Challenge (more on that below).
Mindset win of the week:
Eva shared how continuing to show up helped her to stop ruling out the things she wanted as impossible:
“I recently thought back to all the things I've learned and accomplished that I didn't think were possible when I started. Like starting my art business.
At the beginning of the year, I thought it was just totally unrealistic. Today I think I have proof of the opposite.”
What you’re loving this week
A few weeks ago, I asked you to share what you’re reading and loving. Here are a few of your favorite recent reads:
I’d love to feature your faves in an upcoming newsletter. Reply to this email and tell me what podcasts, shows, products, or indulgences you’re loving right now.
How to go deeper this week:
Imagine asking for exactly what you want – whether that’s a raise, help around the house, or the vacation you desperately need – in the moment, without rehearsing it in the shower for three days first.
That’s not out of reach.
Because speaking up is a skill. And like any skill, you can learn it.
That's why I created the How to Ask for What You Want Challenge. Over five days, you'll:
- Identify which common pattern is holding you back from speaking up (and the fear hiding underneath it)
- Get my proven process and a plug-and-play script to finally ask for what you want
- Practice saying it out loud, in a supportive community built for exactly this
We go live September 21–25, 2026.
(And we start the fun early with a bonus kickoff call on Sunday, September 20.)
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 527: Coaching Hotline: Why You're Resentful Instead of Just Asking for What You Want
Ever tried to convince yourself you shouldn't be upset, while still feeling completely resentful underneath? This week I answer a Coaching Hotline question from a listener who feels frustrated that people attend her events less often than she attends theirs – and why resentment often comes from treating your assumptions about other people's expectations as facts.
UFYB 528: Telling Yourself the Truth (How I Finally Did)
What truth are you refusing to admit because you're afraid of what it will mean? This week I share a recent moment when I finally told myself the truth – and how it helped me stop resisting reality and start making better decisions.
Think a friend would like this newsletter? Send them this link and they can get on the list!
That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
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