Dear ,
You know when you've set a new goal and things are going great, and then suddenly it all goes to shit?
Me too.
I made a commitment to take regular walk breaks throughout the day (my attempt to counteract the operational hazards of working from home). For the first few weeks, it was going really well.
Then travel, bad weather, back-to-back meetings, and poor sleep intervened – all at once.
The walks stopped happening for a whole week.
And here's what's interesting: I had zero drama about it.
No guilt spiral. No "I've already ruined it."
As soon as I got back from my travels, I got right back on the wagon. And I’ve stayed there.
Today I want to show you exactly how that's possible. Because getting back up after you fall is a skill – and it might be the most important one you can build.
But before we get there… here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 497: Coaching Hotline: Managing Your Mind During PMS & Is Disappointment a Cop-Out?
Managing your mind during PMS can feel impossible, even when you know thought work and self-coaching strategies. In this episode, I answer a listener question about how hormonal and cyclical patterns affect emotional resilience.
In our second question, I tackle whether feeling disappointed is just a cop-out. I show you how to separate the physical and situational challenges from the stories your mind tells you about them, so you can stay grounded no matter what's happening.
Your usual Thursday episode is fresh out of the oven, too! Here’s what’s waiting for your ears this week:
UFYB 498: Making Peace with the Human Void
Think about something you really wanted, something you worked for or waited for, or told yourself would finally change how you felt about your life. Maybe it was a job, a relationship, a business milestone, or a body you thought would make you feel confident. And then you got it, and the feeling did not last.
That is the human void. In this episode, I explain what it is, why it shows up even after achievement, and how to relate to it without letting it control you.
What I’m thinking about this week
Here's the single biggest reason why when we fall off the wagon, we stay off the wagon: we don't learn from our failures.
When we lapse on a goal, most of us do one of two things.
We either spiral into shame and give up entirely.
Or we rush to climb back on as fast as possible, vow to "do better next time," and try not to think about what happened.
That second one feels like resilience … it isn't.
Because if you don't actually look at what went wrong, you're just going to make the same mistake again. And again. Until your brain decides nothing is changing and checks out entirely.
The missing step is reflection.
When I looked at what actually happened with my walking goal, I could see it clearly.
I'd only planned for good conditions. I assumed the weather would cooperate, that I'd sleep well, that my schedule would hold. None of that was in my control.
So the lesson I learned was that I needed to plan for the hard conditions, not just the easy ones.
That's the difference between self-compassion and self-pity. Self-pity says: I can't believe this happened to me. Self-compassion says: that was hard – now what can I take from it?
But if you feel guilt and shame about failing, you'll never be able to do this analysis. Because the whole point of rushing past the failure is to escape how bad it feels.
So you skip the reflection, you miss the lesson, and you set yourself up to fail the same way again.
But the goal was never to be perfect. The goal was to become someone who does the thing most of the time – and who knows how to get back on track when she doesn't.
That reframe is what makes reflection possible. When you're not trying to defend yourself against evidence that you're a failure, you can actually look at the evidence and use it.
So if you've fallen off something recently – a goal, a habit, a commitment you made to yourself – I want you to get curious:
What actually happened? What conditions did you not plan for? What did you assume would be easy that wasn't? What would you do differently next time?
That's it. That's the whole process.
Fail, reflect, adjust, repeat.
Everything I've built – in my business, in my relationships, in my own life – came from some version of that loop. Not from getting it right the first time. From getting good at figuring out what went wrong and trying again.
The next time you “fail” to stick to a commitment, don't rush past it. Get curious about what went wrong instead.
Mindset win of the week:
Christin shared how this process of reflection helped her manage her mind around failures in job hunting:
“I’ve moved back to my home country and am job hunting. It’s a difficult process with plenty of failure and rejection. Now my brain is screaming that I’m not good enough and nobody will want to hire me. Thought work has taught me to be compassionate to myself so I allow the thoughts and feelings. I ask myself questions like ‘how could I improve xyz for next time?’ or ‘how would my experience be beneficial to xyz organization?’ Rather than feeling rejected and panicked, I’m calm and trust the process.”
What I’m loving this week
Caro Claire Burke and my friend Katie Gatti Tassin have a great podcast called Diabolical Lies, which takes an in-depth look at feminist society and culture.
I particularly enjoyed their episode deconstructing the cultural meaning of the Kennedys.
How to go deeper this week
In case you missed it, my new YouTube channel officially launched yesterday.
You’ll find exclusive videos diving deeper into topics like imposter syndrome, worrying about what other people think, and effective ways to change negative thoughts.
Plus, video recordings of the latest Unfuck Your Brain episodes for those who learn better “face-to-face.”
In my latest video, I break down what radical self-love really means and how to truly love yourself unconditionally (hint: it’s not about bubble baths or trendy “self-care” rituals). Watch it here.
And don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss a new video.
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That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
