Dear ,
Recently, because I’m in my 40s and life is exciting, I decided I needed to eat more fiber.
Not the most glamorous health goal, but there it is. I knew what I was supposed to do. And then repeatedly, predictably, I just … forgot.
Days would go by where I hadn't thought about it once. I'd remember, do well for a bit, and then life would get busy and it would slip again.
What I didn't do was treat any of that as failure. I didn't vow to start fresh on Monday or make a new perfect plan. When I noticed I'd drifted, I picked it back up. I told myself “okay, what can I do today?” No drama, no reset.
And now, without any streak or perfect stretch to point to, it's become pretty much automatic.
That’s what I think most habit advice gets completely wrong.
We've been taught that the most critical period for any habit is the very beginning. That you need to nail the first 30 or 60 or 90 days – whatever the number is this week – before you can afford to be flexible. That consistency up front is what makes a habit stick, and inconsistency is what kills it.
So when we skip a day, or fall off for a week, or forget entirely for six days, we decide it's ruined. We tell ourselves we don't have enough discipline, enough willpower, enough of whatever we think other people have that we don't. And eventually, we give up.
But inconsistency isn't what kills a habit.
Think about how children learn anything. They don't do it perfectly for 30 days and then relax. They do it badly, inconsistently, with plenty of missed attempts and do-overs, and over time it becomes automatic.
Your brain still works the same way as an adult. Moving a behavior from something you have to consciously talk yourself through every time to something you just do on autopilot requires repetition, but not perfect repetition. As long as you don't decide you've failed and stop entirely, you eventually get there.
I'm willing to bet there's a habit you've been trying to build or a goal you've been trying to hit for years. And I'm also willing to bet that the reason it hasn't happened is that every time you've fallen off, you've treated it as evidence that you can't do it. So you stop.
What if instead, your only job was to keep coming back to it? When you notice you've drifted, you just … do it again.
This week, pick one thing you've given up on because you couldn't do it consistently. And do it – badly, partially, inconsistently. That's enough.
Mindset win of the week:
Sarah shared how giving herself more grace helped her approach goals in a more flexible way:
“I had a HUGE breakthrough when setting goals for the year because I thought I needed to fix my brain into working harder and focusing more, but I learned that my thinking was actually full of "shoulds." I am slowly learning to set REALISTIC goals and stick to them but also allow myself space and time to not do ALL the things perfectly."
What I’m loving this week
Every week I get a flower delivery, and every week I attempt to arrange it like the picture on the card, and every week I fail spectacularly.
But now I've discovered that if you get a vase that has a crinkled edge that creates spaces for the flowers to fall into themselves, you actually need to do almost nothing to make a bouquet look nice.
I have this one, and I am obsessed with it, but there’s no earthly reason you need to spend that much on a vase if you don’t want to.
You can get the same look for under $100, or a similar effect in glass for under $30.
Now, I want to hear what YOU’RE loving. Reply to this email with your latest favorite indulgences, books, or podcasts. I just might feature your recommendation in a future newsletter.
How to go deeper this week:
When was the last time you really wanted something – a raise, an hour to yourself, something different in bed – and you just ... didn't ask for it?
Or the last time something bothered you, and instead of saying so, you smiled, said you were fine, and stewed about it the whole car ride home?
Or the last time you told your mother-in-law "of course you can stay with us," when what you actually wanted to say was "please, for the love of god, get a hotel"?
If you're anything like most of the women I coach, you didn’t have to think back too far. In fact, you probably have eight examples from this week alone.
After a decade of coaching over 15 thousand women, I learned that almost every unspoken sentence traces back to one of three patterns. I call them the Speak Up Barriers.
I created a free quiz to help you understand which one’s been holding you back from asking for what you want and saying how you feel – and how you can finally start speaking up.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 513 — Coaching Hotline: Staying Because You're Scared to Leave
Are you staying in a relationship because you want to, or because you're afraid of what you'll think of yourself if you leave? This week's Coaching Hotline question tackles exactly that. Spoiler: you can't decide clearly while you're bracing to punish yourself for the choice.
UFYB 514 — Your Brain Is a Storyteller, Not a Reporter
Your brain processes 11 million bits of information a second. You're aware of about 50. This week: learn why that gap means your brain only shows you evidence that confirms what you already believe – and why you can't fully trust it when it tells you what's possible.
If you’re an aspiring or established coach, the latest episode of The Future Coach is here:
TFC Episode 8: What Clients Actually Want (And Why You Can't Get It Wrong)
Often, the fear of not delivering what clients want stops new coaches from charging what they're worth. The reality is that it's based on a misunderstanding of what clients are actually paying for. Once you see it, charging stops feeling like a gamble.
What’s new on YouTube:
Give Me 5 Minutes, and I’ll Show You Why Success Doesn’t Create Confidence
Ever hit a goal and waited for the confidence to follow? It never comes. Achievement and confidence aren't the same thing. Learn how to build real confidence on purpose instead.
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That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
