Dear ,
I was ready to lose it.
Three miscommunications in 24 hours on a renovation project I'd been managing for months. Money wasted. Timeline pushed back. And all of it completely preventable.
I had asked, repeatedly, to be included on communications so I could catch exactly these kinds of problems before they spiraled.
My request had been ignored. Again.
I drafted several emails in my head. All caps. And then I did something counterintuitive.
Instead of coaching myself to calm down first, I told myself I had full permission to respond while activated – even if I was going to see things differently later.
Because waiting until we're perfectly calm and measured before we're allowed to say something is the kind of standard that keeps most women from saying anything at all.
So I extended myself some compassion. Before I'd earned it, before I knew if I was right, before I had any idea how it was going to go.
I acknowledged I might be reacting more strongly than the situation warranted. I acknowledged I might not be objectively correct about everything.
And that small act took some of the heat out of it.
With a little less heat, I got curious. Why was I this upset, really?
My brain offered the obvious first: I'm paying these people. They're ignoring me. This is outrageous.
But when I asked myself "so what?" and "why is that a problem?" I realized this wasn’t really about the renovation.
See, I've spent much of my life feeling like my experience didn't matter to the people around me. And I've worked hard – both in my own thinking and in the choices I've made – to build a life where that's different. My business runs on radical responsibility. My husband owns his half of things. I keep people at arm's length who can't do the same.
But here I was, stuck in a situation I couldn't control, with people who kept ignoring my requests, feeling that old familiar feeling.
Once I saw that, something shifted. Because I also saw that I was resisting reality.
Even though I’m paying them, these people have autonomy. I cannot make them do what I want. I can choose to fire them and deal with those consequences, or I can work within what's actually possible. But the fantasy that I could control their behavior was the thing making me suffer.
As soon as I accepted that, I felt free.
I sent the email. I told them I was frustrated that my request hadn't been respected and that miscommunications were affecting cost and timeline. I avoided blaming anyone specifically. I reiterated what I wanted.
The substance probably wasn't that different from what I would have said in a rage. I still had the same ask.
But the way I showed up was. I didn't attack anyone. I didn't make it personal. And – more importantly – I felt completely different afterward.
I sent it and went about my day without ruminating or compulsively checking my inbox.
When the (unsatisfying) response came back, I accepted it and moved on.
I had said what was true for me, made my ask, and I was able to leave it there without feeling like I'd abandoned myself in the process.
That's what speaking up from a grounded place looks like.
And it starts with giving yourself compassion before you think you've “earned” it.
Mindset win of the week:
Carrie shared how self-compassion and curiosity helped her respond calmly to something upsetting:
“Last night my husband got very upset with me. Previously, I would have started shaking, crying, avoiding, mentally spiraling in response. Instead, I felt calm and confident. I have worked hard on my self-compassion and I was not going to go down the shame route.
Coming into this event with curiosity helped me create the space I needed to delay my responses and show up how I wanted to and gave me greater emotional control. I also noticed it allowed me to be more present so I felt like I could say what I needed to in the moment.”
What I’m loving this week
I know that when you think of Europe (I’m writing this on the road), you imagine yourself in a cafe with a coffee people-watching.
But I wake up at 5 or 6 a.m. no matter where I am, and I need to caffeinate before I can brave the outside world. Plus, I hate hot coffee at any time of year.
There’s more iced coffee than there used to be in Europe, but my solution to my early-morning coffee conundrum is to pack a few of these Grady’s cold brew “spouches”. The genius of these is that they have a little spout for pouring out the coffee, so you don’t need a large pitcher in a hotel to brew it.
They are flat and light, and I can add water when I get to my hotel or Airbnb and then just stash them in the fridge. One pouch lasts several days, and means I don’t have to pathetically lurk around the breakfast restaurant at the hotel until it opens at a more civilized hour.
How to go deeper this week:
When was the last time you really wanted something – a raise, an hour to yourself, something different in bed – and you just ... didn't ask for it?
Or the last time something bothered you, and instead of saying so, you smiled, said you were fine, and stewed about it the whole car ride home?
Or the last time you told your mother-in-law "of course you can stay with us," when what you actually wanted to say was "please, for the love of god, get a hotel"?
If you're anything like most of the women I coach, you didn’t have to think back too far. In fact, you probably have eight examples from this week alone.
After a decade of coaching over 15,000 women, I learned that almost every unspoken sentence traces back to one of three patterns. I call them the Speak Up Barriers.
I created a free quiz to help you understand which one’s been holding you back from asking for what you want and saying how you feel – and how you can finally start speaking up.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 521: Coaching Hotline: I Can't Let Go of a Friendship That Ended
Some griefs are quiet – not because a person died, but because a friendship did. I answer a Coaching Hotline question on letting go of a friendship that's faded, and why the way through is feeling the loss, not thinking your way past it.
UFYB 522: How to Know What You Want (Greatest Hits)
What if you already know what you want, but you've just gotten really good at talking yourself out of it? I break down why "I don't know what I want" is rarely the real problem, and how to start hearing your own voice again.
If you’re an aspiring or established coach, the latest episode of The Future Coach is here:
TFC Episode 10: When Is It Too Late to Start as a Coach?
A nurse in her sixties got on a coaching call in her pajamas, hair a mess, just to ask one question: am I too old to become a coach? I answer it for real – no pep talk – and break down why age is an asset in this field, not a liability.
What’s new on YouTube:
Why High-Achieving Women Still Feel Like Frauds (The Psychology No One Explains) The more you accomplish, the louder the fraud feeling can get – and there's a specific psychological reason why success itself makes it worse, not better. I break down the exact mechanism turning your brain's threat-detector against you, and the shift that actually loosens its grip.
Think a friend would like this newsletter? Send them this link and they can get on the list!
That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
