Dear ,
If you've ever tried to change a habit or a pattern, and felt like you were failing even while you were actively working on it – this one's for you.
I'm willing to bet you've been here: you're doing the thought work, you know exactly what you're doing wrong, and you're still doing it anyway. And that awareness makes it feel so much worse.
Here's what most of us believe about change: you decide to do something differently, and then you do it differently.
You decide to stop snapping at your kids. You decide to stop saying yes when you mean no. You decide to stop undercharging. And then – in this fantasy version of change – you just stop.
But that's not how change works. And the gap between that fantasy and reality is where most people give up.
Real change is a process. And one of the most important stages of that process is often misinterpreted as failure:
When you're in the middle of doing the thing you're trying not to do and your brain is watching it happen in real time. You can see exactly what you're doing. You just can't stop it yet.
This stage feels awful. It feels worse than before you started, because at least before, you weren't fully conscious of it. Now you're watching yourself do the thing and you feel helpless.
And so your brain says: this is getting worse, not better. This isn't working. I should probably give up.
But the problem with trying to get out of this stage of awareness is that you cannot change something you can't see.
Awareness has to come before behavior change. Every single time. There is no version of this where you skip straight to not doing the thing.
The stage where you're watching yourself do it – fully aware, still unable to stop – is the bridge to actually changing.
Most people quit here. They look at themselves and think: I know better, I'm still doing it anyway, so this must just be who I am. And they give up right before the moment they were about to change.
So if you're in that place right now – aware of a pattern, still caught in it, wondering if any of this is working – I want you to consider the possibility that you're not failing. You're in the most important stage of the process.
Your only job right now is to keep watching, without shaming yourself into giving up.
I promise the change is closer than it feels.
Mindset win of the week:
Erin shared how anything starts to feel possible when you stop looking at set-backs as failures:
Previous me would have quit after not being perfectly consistent with a habit, or discounted doing it because it "wasn't enough", but now I say SUCCESS! And that I can't wait to see what I can achieve next!
What I’m loving this week
Bird memes. If you aren’t following me on social media, you’re missing out.
I shared how obsessed I am with my birdbuddy a few months ago in this newsletter, but now I’ve found a business use for it too - we’ve been sharing our most impertinent bird photos as tough love memes, and they go viral every time. Check them out here and follow along on Instagram for more.
Doors to the Socratic Coaching Method Certification are OPEN
If you're dreaming about becoming a coach, but you're not sure how to make it work or how to safely coach people from all backgrounds ...
Or if you’re already certified, but sometimes worry you’re not saying the right thing in sessions or clients aren’t having the breakthroughs you’d hoped for ...
My life coaching certification, the Socratic Coaching Method Certification was built for you.
We teach evidence-based coaching tools that combine radical inquiry and working with the emotions and the body to create lasting change. This 7-month program includes intensive training and plenty of space for practice and integration (we'll be doing coach practicum calls, live coaching feedback sessions, and more.)
And by the end? You’ll have advanced-level tools under your belt and rock-solid confidence in yourself as a coach.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 505: Coaching Hotline: What Humility Actually Means & Why You Wear Makeup (and Whether It Matters)
Does wearing makeup mean I haven't "done the work" on my body image? And what does real humility actually look like? I take on both of these listener questions and untangle the thoughts hiding underneath our everyday choices.
UFYB 506: How a Sandwich Can Rescue - or Ruin - Your Life
Have you ever ordered the sandwich when you really wanted dumplings — or stayed quiet in a meeting because it felt safer? I want to show you why that tiny moment of not asking for what you want is costing you more than you think, and how to start changing it.
The Future Coach Episode 6: Highlights from Coach-Curious Prep School: The 3 Traits That Make Someone a Great Coach
If you've been wondering whether you're "good enough" to coach, I think you're asking the wrong question. In this episode I break down the three traits that actually predict who thrives in this work — and odds are, if you're asking, you already have them.
What’s new on YouTube:
What Successful Life Coaches Do Differently Before They Ever Take a Client
Most aspiring coaches obsess over their niche, their pricing, their website — and skip the one skill that actually determines whether they'll succeed. In this video I share what really separates the coaches who build thriving practices from the ones who don't.
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That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
