Dear friend,
If I asked you right now what you really want – not what you think you should want, not what would make everyone else comfortable, not what makes sense on paper – could you answer?
Many women can't.
But guess what? That’s BS.
“I don’t know what I want” is a dangerous lie we tell ourselves.
You do know. But most of us have spent so long making decisions based on what we're supposed to want that we've lost the thread of what we actually do.
You pursue the promotion because it seems like the next logical step. That's what ambitious people do.
Or you go part-time to be home with the kids because that’s what “good moms” do.
And behind all of these decisions, you're trying to manage a feeling.
To avoid guilt, or disappointment, or the discomfort of someone being upset with you. To feel safe, or capable, or like a good person. Or just to feel like you're doing life right.
Over time, wanting something just because you want it starts to not feel like a valid reason.
So when someone asks what you want, you go blank.
You've buried it under so many layers of “should” and obligation and other people's expectations that you've talked yourself into believing you don't know.
So how do you determine what you actually want?
Start by asking yourself “if no one in my life would ever know about this decision and have any thoughts about it, what would I do?”
If you could feel 100% good about yourself, no matter your decision – whether you went to law school or not, whether you had kids or not, whether you went after the promotion or not – what would you do?
The answers are the things you actually want.
You may not be ready to go after them yet. That's okay.
My friend and fellow coach Corinne Crabtree says, “If you can’t dream big, start with dreaming small.” So what’s something small that you can tell yourself the truth about wanting and try to get?
Is it flowers? Is it a date? Is it to publish a blog post? Is it to sing karaoke? Whatever it is, start small and work your way up.
Do something you want every day. And watch your life start to grow.
Who do you want to be? What do you want to create? How do you want to show up? There’s no time to waste pretending that you don’t know the answers to those questions.
Believe that you do know and you will figure it out.
Mindset win of the week:
Nitzaira shared how thought work helped her figure out what she really wanted:
“Thought work helped me change my thoughts about who I was supposed to be (a college professor) to how I can decide who I want to become. I became a teacher and learned to love the process and the transformation.
I learned to love myself and to know what I want and how to get it. Also, to be more compassionate with me and, therefore, with others.”
What I’m loving this week
I have always run hot, but in perimenopause it’s become an occasional crisis. And traveling makes me even hotter.
So I’m currently obsessed with this device. I use the fan attachment sometimes, but I’m even more enamored with the cooling plate, which I press on my neck when I’m overheating. Don’t brave a heat wave without one!
How to go deeper this week:
Imagine asking for exactly what you want – whether that’s a raise, help around the house, or the vacation you desperately need – in the moment, without rehearsing it in the shower for three days first.
That’s not out of reach.
Because speaking up is a skill. And like any skill, you can learn it.
That's why I created the How to Ask for What You Want Challenge. Over five days, you'll:
- Identify which common pattern is holding you back from speaking up (and the fear hiding underneath it)
- Get my proven process and a plug-and-play script to finally ask for what you want
- Practice saying it out loud, in a supportive community built for exactly this
We go live September 21–25, 2026.
(And we start the fun early with a bonus kickoff call on Sunday, September 20.)
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB Episode 525 — Coaching Hotline: I Want to Stay Home with My Kids, but I Need to Make Money
Staying home with your kids or contributing financially – your brain wants you to believe you have to pick one, and it's lying to you. On this Coaching Hotline, I take apart a listener's real conflict piece by piece and show her (and you) the options her brain conveniently left off the table.
UFYB Episode 526 — Why Asking For What You Want Matters Even If You Don't Get It
You've probably talked yourself out of asking for the raise, the different role, the support you actually want – convinced your brain's list of reasons why not is airtight. I break down why that whole framework is backwards, and why the real win of asking has nothing to do with the answer you get.
If you’re an aspiring or established coach, the latest episode of The Future Coach is here:
TFC Episode 11 — How to Get Over Your Drama About Charging
One of my certification students told me, dead serious, that charging clients felt unfair since they hand over time and money while she "only" coaches – I laughed for ten full seconds before she admitted how insane it sounded and confessed she still believed it anyway. This episode breaks down the three thought patterns that make charging feel impossible for so many women coaches, and the specific thoughts to practice instead so the world actually pays you for the work it needs.
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That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
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