Dear ,
When women don't speak up – don't ask for what they want, don't tell the truth about how they feel – it almost always comes down to one of two things.
They're trying to control the outcome. Or they've stopped trying altogether.
These might look like opposite problems, but they come from the same place.
When we don't know how to handle the emotional discomfort of our own thoughts and feelings, our brain goes looking for a workaround.
Some of us respond by going into overdrive – running 10-part plays in our heads, thinking 12 steps ahead, managing everyone and everything around us so we never have to feel whatever it is we're trying to avoid.
We think we're just being efficient, or practical, or smart. But what we're actually doing is trying to control our way out of an emotion we don't trust ourselves to handle.
Some of us check out. We decide there's no point in asking, no point in being vulnerable, no point in trying. So we disengage and tell ourselves we're just being easygoing, keeping the peace, or staying above the fray.
Controlling and checking out both feel like ways of coping. They're also both ways of staying stuck.
When you check out, it's because your brain is saying something like “if I disagree, they'll leave” or “I can't control what happens anyway, so why bother.”
When you go into control mode, it's because your brain is saying, “I don't deserve to just ask for this. I need to construct the whole argument first. I need everyone to agree before I can move.”
Your brain deploys these strategies to manage fear and uncertainty. But the fear is coming from the story your brain is telling about the situation – not the situation itself.
Which is why just vowing to speak up next time doesn't work.
You have to notice the pattern, get curious about the thought driving it, and see the story your brain is telling that sets the whole thing off.
This week, I want you to start paying attention.
When do you check out? When do you go into control and manage mode? And when it happens, what is your brain telling you that's making that feel necessary?
You might be surprised by what you find out.
Mindset win of the week:
Liz recognized the power of letting go and no longer trying to control her circumstances:
“I’ve learned I can control the thoughts and actions of one person and one alone...me. Probably what's been the most inspiring and motivating though, is knowing I have the power and ability to *change* those thoughts and create new feelings and more positive actions.”
What you’re loving this week
Taking a break from sharing what I’m loving to focus on what you’re loving.
I asked what podcasts you’re listening to at the moment. Here were a few of your favorites:
Want to add your own recommendations for future newsletters? Respond to this email with any podcasts, movies, or products you’re currently obsessing over.
How to go deeper this week:
When was the last time you really wanted something – a raise, an hour to yourself, something different in bed – and you just ... didn't ask for it?
Or the last time something bothered you, and instead of saying so, you smiled, said you were fine, and stewed about it the whole car ride home?
Or the last time you told your mother-in-law "of course you can stay with us," when what you actually wanted to say was "please, for the love of god, get a hotel"?
If you're anything like most of the women I coach, you didn’t have to think back too far. In fact, you probably have eight examples from this week alone.
After a decade of coaching over 15 thousand women, I learned that almost every unspoken sentence traces back to one of three patterns. I call them the Speak Up Barriers.
I created a free quiz to help you understand which one’s been holding you back from asking for what you want and saying how you feel – and how you can finally start speaking up.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 517: Coaching Hotline: Isn't Yelling at My Kids Messing Them Up?
I get it, you lose your temper with your kids and then spend the next hour convinced you're a terrible parent. This week I'm answering a listener's Coaching Hotline question about shame, imperfection, and why treating this as a skills gap (not a character flaw) is what actually lets you change.
UFYB 518: Stop Asking Like You're Begging and Other Lessons from She's So Lucky with Les Alfred
My guest Les Alfred has interviewed hundreds of successful women on her podcast, She's So Lucky, and she's sharing five of her favorite takeaways with me. From asking for what you want from a place of power instead of a favor, to playing the hand you're actually dealt, this one is full of lessons worth stealing.
If you’re an aspiring or established coach, the latest episode of The Future Coach is here:
Episode 9: You're Not Starting Over & It Wasn't A Waste
Your brain will try to convince you that becoming a coach means torching everything you've built and starting from zero. I'm breaking down why that thought is a lie, plus four real stories of women at totally different career stages who believed it too.
What’s new on YouTube:
How to Stop Overthinking Everything (And Why Your Brain Won't Let You)
It's 11:47 p.m. and you're replaying a conversation from three days ago for the fortieth time, and no, journaling or googling "how to stop overthinking" hasn't fixed it. I'm breaking down the six-step loop your brain runs when it flags something as a threat, plus three tools to actually interrupt it.
Think a friend would like this newsletter? Send them this link and they can get on the list!
That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
No comments:
Post a Comment