Dear ,
A few weeks ago, I asked you to notice the moments where you talk yourself out of asking for what you want before anyone's even had a chance to say no.
Today I want to talk about something that holds a lot of women back in a similar way: not telling the truth about how they feel.
You're hurt by something a friend said, but by the time you've rehearsed bringing it up for the fortieth time in the shower, you've talked yourself out of it entirely. You're carrying the invisible load at home and instead of saying so, you go quiet or cry in the bathroom and then say you're fine. Someone at work does something that bothers you, so you just stew on it for a few weeks instead of risking conflict.
Women are socialized to believe that their feelings are too much and their wants are inconvenient. That if you say how you really feel, you'll hurt someone – and that'll be your fault. That what you want isn't important enough to make it a whole conversation.
These thoughts aren't true, but most of us were taught to think them so early and so consistently that they don't even feel like thoughts anymore. They just feel like reality.
So you do what feels like the reasonable, low-drama thing. You keep the peace. You say you're “fine.”
And individually, saying you're fine here or there doesn't seem like a big deal. But the cost compounds over time in ways you may not even realize.
You end up in relationships where the person on the other side is relating to a masked version of you rather than the real thing. You watch opportunities go to people who were more willing to put themselves out there. You feel exhausted and alone in rooms full of people who love you and you can't quite explain why.
But imagine if you could tell your partner what you actually need without a preamble so long it barely lands. Or tell a friend when something bothered you instead of letting it fester for weeks. And stop deciding that what you feel isn't worth saying out loud.
This week, I want you to pay attention to all the moments you bite your tongue, rather than being honest about how you feel. The times you shrug off insensitive comments. The times you ignore your own needs to keep the peace.
Just count how many times it happens. In the coming weeks, I’ll get into what you can do about it, so you can say how you feel and get what you need.
Mindset win of the week:
Sunny shared how thought work helped her show up differently at work, even in a job that used to burn her out:
I just started a job in an industry I used to work in but stopped before thought work. I'm sitting here in awe of my own brain. I used to be SOOO stressed out and anxious and overwhelmed in this industry and completely burned myself out. Now I'm calmly setting boundaries, organizing tasks, offering encouragement to coworkers, saying "no" , and thinking thoughts that are just MAGICAL compared to how I used to exist in this space.
About 50% of the time I do something by habit that I used to do and I immediately think " this doesn't make any sense, why did I used to do it this way?"
And the other 50% of the time I do something inspired by my new thought work influenced brain and I think " huh, I never used to do this before.. this way is so much better"
It's surreal. I literally feel like I'm going through life with a different software system. My brain is noticeably different.
What I’m loving this week
I will read anything Elizabeth Strout writes, forever, as soon as it comes out. Her new book The Things We Never Say is on my nightstand right now.
I try to only read a few pages before bed each night (as opposed to my usual binge-an-entire-novel-on-a-Saturday MO) because the prose is so beautiful that I don’t want to rush through it.
How to go deeper this week
Ever find yourself thinking, “I’m a smart, accomplished woman. So why do I still care so damn much about what other people think?”
I’ve been there.
And the truth is, the more you accomplish, the more you care what other people think. Not less.
The good news?
I learned there’s a way to stop trying to manage what everyone else thinks at any given moment … and feel better about yourself than you ever have before.
But you won’t get there by following “just stop caring so much” advice.
That’s why I created How to Stop Caring What Other People Think – for smart minds like yours that need real steps and proven methods.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 509: Coaching Hotline: Why Do I Always Do This With Someone I Like
Old patterns showing up the moment you start dating someone new doesn't mean your progress wasn't real. I break down why neediness and validation-seeking resurface in new relationships, and how understanding what's driving them lets you navigate it without self-judgment.
Your usual Thursday episode is fresh out of the oven, too! Here’s what’s waiting for your ears this week:
UFYB 510: How to Take Ownership of Your Happiness with Zerlina Maxwell
I'm joined by Zerlina Maxwell (SiriusXM host, author, and political analyst) to talk about staying engaged with the world without burning yourself out. We get into how gender and social expectations fuel the pressure women feel to exhaust themselves, and what it actually looks like to reclaim your time, attention, and happiness on your own terms.
If you’re an aspiring or established coach, the latest episode of The Future Coach is here:
Episode 7: The Mindset Work That Actually Gets You Started
Getting started as a coach isn't a skills problem... it's a mindset problem, and this episode gets into what to actually do about it. I cover why nerves aren't a warning sign, how the identity shift into coaching happens in your brain before any certification makes it official, and why confidence isn't something you wait for.
What’s new on YouTube:
The 3 Ways to Change Negative Thoughts That Actually Work
If you've tried thinking more positively and had it last only about 48 hours, I'm breaking down why – and what actually works instead. I cover the three premises you need to understand before any thought-change tool will stick, including why willpower fails, why your thoughts say nothing about your character, and why self-criticism is blocking the very change you're trying to create.
Think a friend would like this newsletter? Send them this link and they can get on the list!
That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
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