Dear ,
There's a thought you've almost certainly had this week. Probably more than once. And you probably don't know it's a thought. Because it sounds exactly like a fact.
It's three words: it's not working.
You launched something and the sales were slow. It's not working. You went on a string of first dates with no second date. It's not working. You've been trying to change how you eat, how you parent, how you talk to yourself and you backslide. It's not working.
The thought feels like a neutral assessment. Like your brain ran the numbers, checked the data, and delivered an objective report. But it didn't. And it's not a fact.
Your brain has been socialized to expect a very specific version of what success looks like. It should happen fast. It should look impressive. There shouldn't be struggle or setbacks or failure.
And so the territory between "working perfectly" and "not working at all" doesn't really exist in your mind. It's binary: either you succeeded or you didn't.
On top of that, your brain is wired for efficiency, not accuracy. It defaults to the cleanest, cheapest answer it can produce.
Once it's decided something isn't working, confirmation bias kicks in. Your brain starts amplifying every piece of evidence that supports that conclusion and deleting everything that contradicts it.
And because you believe “it’s not working,” you stop taking the small actions that would actually move you forward, and then … the thing actually stops working. Because you stopped doing it. And now your brain says: see? I told you so.
For example, imagine an entrepreneur launches a new program and only four people signed up when her goal was fifty. Her brain says: it's not working. But what her brain is ignoring is that 400 people joined her email list during the launch. And twelve people replied saying they'd love to join the next cohort. And she got on video for the first time even though she was terrified to do it.
Or a woman who went on eight first dates with no second date and told herself dating wasn't working. What her brain ignored: she went on more first dates in two months than she had in the entire previous year. She didn't cancel last minute like she used to. She turned down two of the guys because they weren't right for her – something she never would have done before.
Or the mom who tried a new bedtime routine for two weeks, lost her temper at the end of one hard night, and decided it wasn't working. What her brain ignored: she kept her cool for two and a half hours before that. She was making real progress.
In every single one of these examples, there was real evidence that something was starting to work. But the brain ignored it, because it was only building a case for the “it’s not working” side.
So here's the question I want you to start asking instead: what is the best case I can make that this is already starting to work?
Not: is it perfect? Not: do I have the result I wanted? Just: if I were making the case that something is starting to work, what evidence could I find?
This isn't manifesting or gaslighting yourself. You’re recognizing that your brain has been arguing for the other side your entire life and you’re finally deciding to object to this foregone conclusion.
The next time you catch yourself thinking "it's not working," I want you to identify it as a thought. Not a fact. And then ask: what's the best case I can make that this is starting to work?
You might be surprised what your brain finds when you finally tell it what to look for.
Mindset win of the week:
Stephanie shared how thought work has helped her move through challenges with more resilience:
Kara’s work helped me create beyond what I could have imagined for myself by teaching me (that I have the option) to manage my mind in a new way, and on purpose – in ways that I did not even know were available to me. As a result, how I felt changed. Then I began getting different results in areas of my life which I had felt perpetually stuck, overwhelmed and defeated. I became my favourite version of me. And now coaching is a part of my daily life – through all the ebbs and flows, all of the challenges, setbacks, and accomplishments, all of the mess and magic.
What I’m loving this week
People are often surprised to hear I listen to (a select few) country musicians, but there’s something about the mournful key I just find very relaxing. Maybe it’s from growing up going to synagogue since so many Jewish prayers are in a minor key?
Whatever the reason, all of my work for the last six weeks has been done to a shuffled playlist of all of Zach Bryan’s albums.
On the fence about the Socratic Coaching Method Certification? Let’s get you off it.
Join me for an On-The-Fence Call with Live Q&A, tomorrow July 10 at 12 p.m. ET!
This is your chance to:
- Discover the decision-making protocol I use in my own life – and how you can use it to make decisions like this
- Ask all your burning questions about the certification
- Watch me coach live around the real fears, what-ifs, and brain drama that come up when you're thinking about taking this leap
- Maybe even get coached yourself (if you put your hand up, that is!)
This call is free, live, and happening just once – don’t miss it.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 507: Coaching Hotline: Why Feedback Sends You Into a Shame Spiral
If receiving feedback sends you into shame or self-doubt, this Coaching Hotline episode is for you. I break down why those intense reactions are avoided emotions showing up, and why trying to push through them quickly is exactly what keeps you stuck.
UFYB 508: "Fine": Why Women Don't Tell the Truth About How They Feel
If you've ever said "fine" when you weren't, that tiny word is costing you more than you think. I explore why women are wired and socialized to suppress what they actually feel, and the two steps you can take today to start reconnecting with yourself.
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That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
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