Dear friend,
"Maybe you should look into therapy for your anger problem."
That's what a client's husband said to her after she refused to do the grocery shopping. The grocery shopping he'd promised to do.
He forgot, then asked her to do it instead because he had a busy day ahead. Then he was surprised when she got mad.
To him, it was a small favor, the kind married people trade all the time. He didn't understand the size of her reaction.
For her, it was one more example of a pattern: he says he'll do something, doesn't follow through, and expects her to pick up the slack.
Before she learned to coach herself she would have felt ashamed. She would have decided it was her problem and something she needed to get over.
Instead, she told him that she wasn't interested in therapy for her anger. She didn't think there was anything wrong with her anger about this.
Anger is the emotion women are least allowed to have.
It’s considered unladylike. Shrill. Hysterical. Nothing anyone does to us is ever bad enough to justify it.
Men’s anger gets treated as rational, even heroic. Ours gets us a referral to therapy.
Think about it: who benefits when women learn to swallow their anger? The systems that exploit women. If you're not angry about being oppressed, it's easier to keep oppressing you.
Meanwhile, we pay the price. Repressing anger erodes our sense of boundaries and integrity.
It may show up in our bodies, too. Women get 80% of autoimmune conditions, and some researchers believe chronic stress and repressed anger play a role.
Anger is a normal human emotion. We can coach ourselves to feel less of it if that fits our values, but we'll never get rid of it entirely – and we shouldn't try.
Normal doesn't mean you act on every urge, though. Needing to pee is normal, too, and we don't do that wherever we happen to be.
So what do you do with anger? Start by asking yourself two questions.
The first: what am I about to do with this feeling?
A lot of people shut anger down because they regret what they did with it. They yelled at the kids. Gave their spouse the cold shoulder. Threw something at the wall.
Feeling anger and acting on it are two separate things. You get to choose what you do next.
The second: does this anger line up with what I value?
Anger that comes from a bruised ego or a lost temper rarely feels right afterward. Anger about something you actually care about, like fairness, sits very differently.
Sometimes your answer will be that you took something personally, or you're running on stress from somewhere else. That's worth coaching yourself on.
Other times you'll realize the anger is exactly where it should be, and you can keep it.
Feeling angry doesn't turn you into an angry person for life.
This week, when anger shows up, ask yourself those two questions. What am I about to do with this? Does it line up with what I value?
And let the feeling itself come and go. Like any emotion, anger moves through faster when you allow yourself to feel it.
Mindset win of the week:
Lanka shared how she befriended challenging emotions like anger:
“I have made so many improvements in my life. I improved my relationship with my husband. I became a friend of myself and my most challenging emotions (anger, anxiety, depression)
I have also developed much greater self-compassion, and used thought work to show up the way I can be most proud of in my relationships (romantic, work, family and friends). Most of all I have come to understand there is no off-ramp from the human experience and know this is a life-long journey.”
What we’re loving this week:
I’ve been asking my team to share some of their favorite music, indulgences, and more. Here’s what Elana, our Manager of Coaching and Client Experience, is loving this week:
“The trees are juuuust starting to change colors here. There’s a park by my house and I’ve been enjoying going on walks and watching the leaves start to change.”
I’d love to feature your faves in an upcoming newsletter. Reply to this email and tell me what podcasts, shows, products, or indulgences you’re loving right now.
Ever thought about becoming a life coach?
I created the guide that I wish I’d had when I started my career as a coach, and it’s free for you to download right now.
The three principles I share in this guide would have saved me countless hours and tons of stress if someone had shared them with me back then.
And now, even with more than $28M in revenue, a team of seven employees, and a New York Times bestselling book under my belt, I continue to rely on those principles to guide me and my business.
>> Click here to download the free guide now. <<
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 539: Coaching Hotline: Letting Go Of Hurt When Someone Skips Your Wedding
A listener’s maid of honor didn’t come to her wedding, and she’s still hurt about it. In this Coaching Hotline episode, I help her separate the facts from what she’s making that absence mean about the friendship and how much her friend cares about her. That’s where the room to let go comes from, without pretending she wasn’t disappointed.
UFYB 540: The Thought Ladder and Thinking v. Believing (Classics)
You can’t just think a new thought and expect your brain to believe it. If you’ve ever told yourself you’re worthy, confident, or beautiful, only to have your brain immediately argue back, you know what I mean. In this Classics episode, I walk you through the thought ladder, one of my favorite tools for moving from the thoughts you believe now toward the ones you want to believe, one step at a time.
Think a friend would like this newsletter? Send them this link and they can get on the list!
That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
No comments:
Post a Comment