Dear friend,
I used to believe fat women weren’t “allowed” to want great love.
The message wasn't exactly subtle. Dating profiles literally said "no fatties."
The world was clear that I wasn’t supposed to ask for much.
So for decades, I didn't. I aimed low and settled for men who weren’t my cup of tea, but seemed like more “realistic” choices.
I didn’t ask for what I really wanted, so I was guaranteed not to get it.
And the fatphobia was real. But I was letting strangers who'd never met me decide what was possible for me. People with no information about my actual life. And I handed them that power anyway.
Once I realized that, I stopped looking for someone who would date me despite my body. And I started looking for a partner who thought I was a total catch, full stop.
I found him. We celebrated our second wedding anniversary in July.
But that only happened because I stopped waiting to be chosen and started asking.
When you talk yourself into wanting a smaller version of what you want – because you've decided the good version isn't for you – that’s you doing the patriarchy's job for free.
You’re shrinking your wants before anyone has the chance to say “no.”
Women are socialized to constantly pre-edit ourselves. To decide in advance what we're allowed to hope for, ask for, go after.
We call it being realistic.
What we're really doing is building a life out of what we thought we deserved instead of what we actually wanted. Never finding out what would have happened if we'd just asked.
This week, think about an area of your life where you've been settling for something less than what you really want.
Maybe it’s a relationship that’s not fulfilling your needs. Or a salary you didn’t negotiate. Or a life that looks great on the outside, but doesn't feel like yours on the inside.
What would you ask for if you stopped deciding the answer was “no” in advance?
If you want to finally make the ask without worrying about the answer, join me TOMORROW for the What if the Answer is No? Masterclass (more on that below).
Mindset win of the week:
Jean decided to stop waiting to be chosen and asked someone on a date:
“This week I asked someone out. And, if I don’t hear back from the person it doesn’t mean anything about me. This is so freeing! Previous me would have been freaking out by now but I am chill AF. Feels so good to know I’ve got my own back!”
What I’m loving this week
This summer I was reminded of Nashville, a TV show about country music stars that ran back between 2012 and 2018. I’ve been rewatching it since then and it’s the perfect mix of soap opera level drama with rocking musical interludes and enough solid acting to make it all feel worthwhile.
Connie Britton is always worth watching, and Hayden Panetierre (who tragically passed away of an apparent overdose recently) plays Juliette, a character who embodies one of my favorite lines from my friend Katie who hosts the Diabolical Lies podcast – “let women be awful.”
How to go deeper this week:
How many times have you almost asked for something you really wanted … and then stopped yourself because you were afraid the answer would be “no”?
Our brain treats a possible "no" like a real threat, even when the actual stakes are just an uncomfortable conversation.
So we keep playing small and don’t get what we want.
I want to change that.
That's why I created the What If the Answer Is No? Masterclass. In just 60 minutes, you’ll:
- Learn why you’re really afraid of hearing “no” (hint: it’s NOT because of what someone else thinks about you or the fear of rejection)
- Get the chance to ask me about your own situation in the live Q&A
- Walk away with a clear way to handle a “no”, from the moment you hear it to what you say next
We go live TOMORROW September 25, at 12 p.m. ET.
Here’s what’s on the podcast this week:
UFYB 529: Coaching Hotline: What's Really Stopping You from Speaking Up in Your Business
Do you want to share your ideas more boldly, but find yourself holding back because you're afraid of how people will react? I share what this has looked like in my own business, and why you do not need perfect thoughts that make you feel completely confident before you take action. Learning to move forward while uncomfortable is part of doing meaningful work.
UFYB 530: Greatest Hits: How to Stop Giving a F*ck What Other People Think
Do you wish you could stop caring so much about what other people think? The problem is, you can't just tell your brain to stop caring and expect it to magically let go. The solution is not caring less about what they think. It's caring more about what you think.
If you’re an aspiring or established coach, the latest episode of The Future Coach is here:
Episode 12: Coaching Confessions: How Hadar Shemesh Faked Her Way to a Million Followers (Sort Of)
My guest's origin story starts with a single flyer on a street in Israel, twenty dollars an hour, and one client who never came back. So she logged into an online forum under a fake name and recommended herself to strangers. I'm talking with Hadar Shemesh about the 18 years it took to build a following of over a million people, and why there is no version of this where she had it figured out from day one.
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That's all for now – see you next week!
Kara
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